reflections of...

My daughter, Sydney, enjoying the standing water out in the cow pasture. 

I stopped long enough for my daughter, Sydney, to put her duck boots to work this afternoon. I watched for a few minutes and realized how beautiful she was with her reflection down below. Of course, I had to snap a pic of her.

Watching her play, I started thinking. Actually, I started humming. Growing up, my parents watched shows like Tour of Duty and China Beach. Watching China Beach meant knowing the words to Diana Ross and The Supremes song, "Reflections."

Through the mirror of my mind

Time after time

I see reflections of you and me.

Reflections of

The way life used to be

Reflections of

The love you took from me.

Finding out about my bipolar was a big eye opener. I was totally shocked. I was in complete denial. It took three GPs, etc., two psychiatrists and a psychologist's diagnosis before I could even start to grasp what they were all trying to tell me.

At first, I felt like some sort of participant in a 12-step program. I thought I should go back and explain my diagnosis and atone for my sins, so to speak. Most folks were really nice about it and basically said they had no idea, just thought I was being me. Nope. "Just being Julie" equals bipolar. One of those really weird phases of coping was to look up some of the people I'd dated and try to apologize for what went wrong or find out from them what the real problem was. Wow. That was about the stupidest thing EVER. Meds definitely weren't right back then.

Talking to a few friends wasn't as messed up as when I wanted to get closure with some of the guys I'd dated in the past. When you have one guy say that your breaking up with him basically sent his life spiraling out of control and he didn't get his feet underneath him until his early 30s. Then, another who said he knew something was wrong, but did his best to be a nice guy and supportive. Finally, the worst, the one who got away, but apparently, somewhere down deep, didn't want to get away. That whole thing set me way back and took up too-too many sessions before I finally learned my lesson. Read: delete and block. In case you didn't know, Facebook is the devil.  LOL

Reflection can be a good thing, when you reflect on happy parts of your life. When you have a mental illness that tends to drag you down on a regular basis and slap you up side the head with the poor choices you've made in the past, you need to fight to look around you at your present. Search for the goods things that are happening around you. Try to look realistically at the future. Don't flip out and go manic planning or anything, just really trying to look ahead and not back.

You can't fix the past. That's what I tell myself every single day. Make today better. Make tomorrow better. It's hard. Oh my gosh, it is so hard. There are those moments, like today, when you stop and take pics of your child in a puddle. When you forget all of junk that led up to now and enjoy that one pure moment....

Then, that dang song gets in your head.