between the poles

When I came home from work for good, I was very sick. i guess that's putting it mildly. I'm very leery of talking about this, but I will. No one's reading this blog anyway. LOL

As I said, I was very sick. Now, I'd had these "spells" before, but nothing like this.

There was the time I accidentally quit my job as a reporter simply because I couldn't tell the publisher I really was just cleaning out my desk for the sake of organization.

There was the time I left work at a newspaper, changed my phone number and stayed in the woods all day, wishing it would all go away. It didn't, though.

Back then, I had no idea what was going on. Why I'd get in that sort of shape.

This time was different, though. This time, I knew.


I'd been on medication and in therapy for two years. I knew it was bad, I just didn't realize how bad it was until the day my psychologist gave me an ultimatum... leave work or she'd admit me to a hospital. She said she was extremely concerned and afraid that I'd hurt myself. I knew she was right. I went to my boss, explained the situation and cried when I told him I wouldn't be able to work out more than a two-day notice. Thank goodness, he was sympathetic. His childhood friend had bipolar and, in his later years, the friend had an extremely bad break involving a board meeting and nudity. My boss understood how bad it could get and wished me better health in the future.

When I first came home, I was numb. I didn't know what to do with myself. The second or third week, I went out to my parents' tractor shed and hopped on their four wheeler.

I rode like the wind.

For the first time in decades, i felt like I was myself. I felt like I was going to make it. I knew I would get over this break. I rode every day.

With the sun, wind and water on the farm, I improved daily.

I've learned to do what makes me happy and what makes me happy in being out in the woods. As with most bipolar sufferers, I have days I can't even move. Days the weight of depression presses so hard on me that I can hardly draw the next breath. These are the days I need to be outside the most. Sometimes, I can't manage to drag myself out. There's always tomorrow.

I am very blessed to have a spouse who understands how important being outdoors and free means to me. He said my most important job is to remember to pick up the kids from school. Anything else is gravy.

My psychologist said she honestly believes that my close-knit family and strong religious upbringing are what brought me this far. She said patients with rapid cycling bipolar have a difficult time coping because, unlike bipolar patients who have mostly manic or depression episodes, rapid cyclers can cycle between the two in a matter of minutes. Manic or depressed bipolar sufferers can take meds to press down the highs or raise them out of the lows. For people like me, we're trying to find something to level out the peaks and valleys. Drugs like lithium, an old favorite of psychiatrists, are very useful for just that.

I was diagnosed in January 2012 and am still working with my psychiatrist to tweak my medication. I've tried seven different medications with a variety of daily doses.

It's easier knowing what I'm dealing with. Sometimes, I can feel it coming on. Sometimes, I just know which days will be the worst for depression, like a Monday home alone after having been with family all weekend. Mania is a little harder for me to detect. There are nights that it's pretty obvious. Lying in bed, with my eyes closed, fighting the sensation that I'm watching TV in fast forward or looking at a spinning globe. During the day, though, it usually manifests itself as some sort of adventure, project or great idea and ends with no sleep and no money.

I guess I'm rambling... I said all this to say, I work every single day to keep my life "between the poles." I am blessed to have a supportive family, an extremely supportive psychologist and a very knowledgeable psychiatrist in charge of my care. I take all my medication as directed and at the time every day. I'm learning to gauge my mood and do what I can to stay in the middle of the road, so to speak. If that means spending all day out in the sun and wind, I do.

I do what I can to keep it "between the poles."